Jag skrev texten nedan för 3 år sedan, utan att publicera den någonstans. Men jag tänkte att nu kan det vara dags. Tre år senare och mycket har hänt på vägen, men ändå är så mycket precis detsamma.
Morning Meditations, written 2015-11-30
The alarm clock on my mobile phone vibrates to wake me up. It is early morning, November in Sweden means it is pitch black outside. The first buzz barely makes me conscious, I snooze, five minutes later the phone buzzes again and now I’m sort of awake, because now the negotiations in my head starts. A self-talk telling me that I must be crazy considering getting out of the warm bed to sit on a meditation cushion. What can I possibly gain that is better than staying in bed for another 20 minutes? My sleepy mind does not want to get up, but apparently my body and my deeper conscious think it is a good idea, because I put my feet outside my cover and down on the floor. I take my glasses, my phone and cozy sweater, and I’m up. I go to my mat and sit down.
During the past two month I have been doing this, going up every morning, questioning if I’m sane, but doing it anyway. It was after a visit to a dear friend that I started. We both are yoga teachers, she teaches full time and I a couple of times a week. I was complaining to her that I had a hard time with my personal practice. It was, and still is, difficult to find the time between the full time job, taking care of and supporting two teenagers with school and all their activities, my husband, and preparing and teaching classes. I pretty much have my time filled up. But I still feel the need to carve out some time for my own practice.
As we talked, I came to think of my mornings. Usually when the alarm goes off, I snooze and my husband gets up and starts breakfast, and then I get up. What if, instead of snoozing, I get up and do my practice… This might seem obvious to some, but not me. But thinking about it, it made sense. When I got home from my friend, I thought to myself that this strategy might work. I told my husband about my plan, and he was supportive and a bit doubtful, since I am a snoozer and always have been. But I did it! First week went well, I was motivated and determined to make it work. But then the morning negotiations started, and I’m not sure it will ever end.
My morning practice is centered on pranayama and meditation. I start with some easy asanas, just to get some movement in my body and to make it soften a bit. Then I start with some pranayama, mostly Nadi Shodana. Then my mind starts spinning off again. I center and come back and do Ham-Sa kriya, and then my thoughts spin off yet again. During the whole meditation it is a constant battle to let go, to find the space between the thoughts. But somehow it still makes a difference, the change it brings is subtle, but it is there.
The practice I do in the morning is nothing advanced or takes a long time, about 20 minutes, but it is grounding and I have come to crave it. If I skip or miss a morning, which happens, I can feel it all day. If I do find my way to the mat later in the day, it is as if my mind and body finds its state of balance and I feel a subtle energy shift.
I am just a beginner, two months is not much, and there are most probably a number of obstacles ahead of me. But I do hope that I will continue and push through, even though I think I’m crazy sometimes. I realize that there probably is no point in time when I can say I am finished, I have mastered this. The journey, the everyday commitment, with all its obstacles, will be what makes it all worthwhile, and I will try to enjoy the scenery along the way.